Our Haunting!
by Werecat Boy
Summary: The residents of the Haunted Mansion join together in a show stopping parody of Fiddler On The Roof's "Tradition."


This is a little song parody I did inspired from the idea of Aquarian Wolf's fantastic song parodies she did a while ago. I decided to give a spoof to one of my favorite musicals of all time, Fiddler On The Roof, and my favorite song from the musical - "Tradition." I used the London cast recording version of the song as reference, since I think it's probably the best recording of the song in terms of choral vocal style and instrumentation, imo. The characters of Dustin T Dust, Koji Wendell, Asher T Ashes, Manny Festation, Milton Dewey, and Merridie Hamilton are all characters courtesy of Aquarian Wolf, and were used by her permission. Hope you all enjoy! :)

* * *

"Ezra! Get down from there!" George shouted. "I told you to stop stuffing those dead birds in the chimney! It causes noxious smoke!" The Master looks around and turns to us. "Ah, hello there, foolish mortal! So nice to see you....Oh? Him? Just a mischievous spook on the roof. Sounds crazy to you? Well here in our mansion, everyone has crossed over to the other side. Spooks of every size just delighting in partying with their afterlife, or giving a few mortals a good scare. Although, it always isn't easy. Many times we can be trapped with obnoxious teenagers who just want to make out in our halls, and real estate agents with blood so cold they still don't run when you pop off your head. It's hard just being able to enjoy ourselves here without some sort of mortal annoyance. You may ask, why then we do we stay here? We stay here because our mansion is our delightfully dreary home. And just how do we keep it from being demolished by land developers? That I can tell you in two words...our haunting!"

The rest of the ghosts emerge from the halls, all joining in and singing along.  
_**"Our hauuuunting! Our haunting! Our haunting!  
The hauuunting! The haunting! The haunting!"**_

George monologues once again, like the hard blown windbag he always is. "Yes, because of our haunting we managed to scare away many pesky mortals for decades. Some with plans for housing developments, others are addlebrained psychic investigators searching for new findings. We make sure to be quiet for them," George chuckles to himself. "But for others we make sure to give out the mostly horrifying moans. Some are friendlier than others, while some go out of their way to shriek the daylights out of the living. Regardless, our haunting techniques are some of the most renowned, with a population of many 'spirited' residents you might say. Each one a part of our grand swinging wake. Ahh, and here's one of our proud denizens now. The delighting dauntless daredevil of dooming danger from Dublin...Manny Festation!"

Manny revs up his bicycle as he's prepared to jump over a cluster of tombstones.  
_**"Through day and night, with injuries unforgiving,  
On my bike I fly high, crashing all the time. And,  
Try as I might, each stunt always fails,  
Ending with contusions and moans." **_

Manny flies over the tombstones in the air for a few hundred feet, before crashing into the ground, with his bicycle flying into dozens of pieces. The rest of the graveyard ghosts join in.  
_**"Daredeviiiil! Daredevil! His haunting!  
Daredeviiil! Daredevil! His haunting!" **_

George turns back to us and chuckles. "Don't worry. I'm sure he'll be able to pull himself up later. Another one of our more prominent residents, and occasional drama queen, is the darling Miss Constance Hatchaway. Miss Hatchaway is perhaps most known here for doing in her five wealthy husbands for monetary gain, but don't despair dear friends. She's a rather friendly sort...frequently...occasionally...hopefully today?"

Constance wildly twirls her hatchet around in her hand like a baton, as she shines an impish grin on her face.  
_**"Always was it that I never once did love,  
Romantic love, devoted love.  
Yet I went and found another kind of love,  
to my great mighty bank balance book!" **_

The portraits of Ambrose, Frank, Marquis, Reginald, and George all come alive and sing.  
_**"Gold diggeeer! Gold digger! Her haunting!  
Gold diggeeeer! Gold digger! Her haunting!" **_

George appears to us again. "And then there's...oh, dear, there's some people I'm sure I'm forgetting right now.

"You're forgetting us!" Dustin answers in an annoyed tone, as Prudence, Philip, and Merridie all appear as well. "We bust our humps for you all day and the least you can do is show us some respect."

"What?! I give you people plenty of respect!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have been confusing respect with BEING COMPLETELY IGNORED!"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening there for a moment. What'd you say?"

Prudence sighs and replies, "It's obvious how much you care by the fact you can't even remember our names half the time."

"Now see here! I will not tolerate any insolence, Miss...generic...maid...type. You know I treat my staff with up most respect and pay you plenty!"

"You don't pay us anything!" Philip reminds him. "You haven't paid us since we died. You take for granted that we still do our original work."

"What's the problem then, elf boy?! You don't need any money, and you've got more luxuries than probably any other servants. Look at you, you're the fattest stable boy that anyone has ever had!"

"What?!..."

"Oh, all of you lowly domestics just go and sing already!"

Dustin, Philip, Merridie, and Prudence all sing together.  
_**"At three am we start our work,  
At ten it's finally through.  
Each day the rich whines never stop  
They're all...so petty.  
The staaaff! The staff! Our haunting!  
The staaaff! The staff! Our haunting!"**_

"Now we come to perhaps our most horrifying creature in the mansion," George continues. "One of such vile and loathsome nature that many dare not come near it! Swooping down and sucking the life out of everything to be had...our attorney!"

"You called, Georgie boy?" Asher happily chirps in, flask in hand. Taking a long swig, he does a jig before singing.  
_**"Just who does Georgie choose,  
To deal with legal tricks?  
With slinging mud to your side,  
To send you up the crick!" **_

A group of pop up ghosts pop their head out of the tombs.  
_**"The scumbaaaag! The scumbag! His haunting!  
The scumbaaaag! The scumbag! His haunting!" **_

Asher turns around, and lunges at them. "Oy! Bugger off you little gits!"

George leads us upstairs into the seance parlor. "Perhaps, we should move on then... Now in the heart of our mansion, we have a special spot for some of our most well-known residents. For instance - Madame Leota, our medium and soothsayer!"

Milton, the Mansion's librarian, and Leota are conducting each other in a fortune telling session.

"I see it now," Leota intones. "I see a woman in your future, a beautiful woman!"

"Really?" Milton's interest piques. "Who is it?"

"It's coming in clearer...a gorgeous creature with black hair...she's giving me a message... 'Nobody knows this little rose'..."

"That's Emily Dickinson! I only know her through the books I've read. You mean, she's going to be my future lover?! Oh joy, it's a dream come true!"

"Oh? Future lover? Sorry, I was looking into your subconscious to find your fantasy lover."

George continues, "And there's our local chemist, with tonics for all your ills, "Doctor" Phineas Queeg."

Phineas bellows out to the other ghost, while ringing a bell and toting his bag. "Cures for what ails ya! Cures for what ails ya!"

Granny Ghoul steps up to him, "I got's me some rheumatism, young man. Here you go...a nice shiny penny!"

"A penny?! The miracle cure is worth at least...a dime!"

"The sofa divin' ain't been goin' well this week."

"So?! Strap on a snorkel and get back in those cushions!"

George continues his monologue, "And most important, is our beloved leader and adored supervisor...ME!"

"Adored?!" Lily scoffs. "No offense, darling, but I think there are quite a few who don't share that sentiment."

"Nonsense! Who wouldn't love their benevolent landlord?" Turns to the chorus of ghosts beyond him, half chanting and singing. "You alllll respect and adore me, don't yoooooou?

The chorus pauses for a moment.  
_**"Boo boo boo boo! Boo boo boo boo! Boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo!  
Boo boo boo boo! Boo boo boo boo! Boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo!" **_

"Yes, that's it! All get into the spooking spirit!" George obliviously crows on. "And then there are the others who visit our mansion. They're mostly all living. The delightful Miss Destiny Chalmers...the inquisitive Koji Wendell... and sometimes, many, many others. They don't tend to bother us..."

Koji runs by with a microphone in hand, chasing after Gus. "Come on! I need some evidence for our meeting tomorrow."

"And we...don't seem to mind them," George continues. "And between all of us, we get along perfectly well! Of course, there was the time that Huet accused Sewell of cheating in a game of poker with him passing off a scribbled out king as an ace. But it's all settled now, and we live in complete..."

"It was an ace!" Sewell insists.

"It was a king!" Huet shouts.

"It was an ace!"

"It was a king!"

"It was an ace!"

"It was a king!"

"Gentleman please!" George attempts to reason.

The duelists whip out each others pistols, and begin firing at one another.

"ACE!" *BANG!*

"KING!" *BANG!*

"ACE!" *BANG!*

"KING!" *BANG!*

"ACE!" *BANG!*

"KING!" *BANG!*

"ACE!" *BANG!*

"KING!" *BANG!*

The entire mansion joins in.  
_**"OUR HAUUUUNTING! OUR HAUNTING! OUR HAUNTING!  
OUR HAUUUUNTING! OUR HAUNTING! OUR HAUNTING!" **_

"Our haunting, our haunting..." George continues. "Without our haunting, our afterlives would be meaningless as...as a moron hurling birds on the roof!"

"HEY!" Ezra shouts back and hurls a dead pigeon, hitting George in the head.


End file.
